I keep a small moleskine in my pocket at all times in case a thought or experience needs recording. Most of them are comprehensible only to me and my friends, but I think the following selections stand on their own.
- Two professors discussing the logistics of field trip transportation:
“I just made my undergraduates walk.”
“There were 180 of ‘em.”
“How many did you lose?”
- Nature’s squares:
- Approaching an attractive girl at a get-together:
Me: “So, what do you do and how does it relate to what you want to do?”
Her friend: “She has a boyfriend.”
Her: “Mostly I procrastinate.”
Her friend: “With her boyfriend.”
- Playing with the puppets for sale at a Christian book store:
Charles Darwin puppet: “It is my considered opinion that endless forms most beautiful have been and continue to be evolved.”
Satan puppet: “I agree!”
- She asked me over the phone if I wanted to see the movie with her and her boyfriend, or if I would rather have dinner with just her. When she posed this question, I was staring at the fossilized remains of two pachycephalosauruses. I chose dinner.
- “Let him be your Bill Pullman to my Tom Hanks. Or, if you prefer, your Peter Gallagher to my Bill Pullman.”
- I have lost more condoms to washing machines than I have to women.
- “I’d play spin the bottle with 12 other dudes just to have the chance of kissing you.
P.S. I also like kissing dudes.”
- “You are worth going to a psychiatrist over.”
_________________________________________ | | | SEXUAL TENSION | | CONFETTI | | | |(tear into small pieces for full effect)| | | |________________________________________|
- Upon showing Danielle my klein bottle:
“It’s like a squash made of mathematics!”
- “Well, you wear hearing aids, so doesn’t that mean you want to hear?”
“Right. It’s kinda like how you wear makeup because you want to look pretty.”
- “He can’t swallow well in his advanced age, so sometimes he’ll carry around a small Styrofoam spit cup.”
“I saw him use it when I visited. He’ll just let it accumulate. He was sitting in the living room watching tennis on TV. I saw him spit. It was dark green.”
“It tipped over…”
- Message left by Geoff to cheer me up after any occasion:
“Somebody works at the dildo factory.”
- Every time we pray in chapel it gives me a chance to think dirty, dirty thoughts in silence.
- “Aren’t you a little ashamed of what isn’t considered weird?”
- Terror: seeing typed sheets of paper on everybody’s desk when entering a classroom and realizing you don’t have yours.
- It must suck to be married to a sex researcher. “Phase II, honey!”
- “Excuse me, have you registered to vote?” “I’m poor, it doesn’t matter who wins.”
- My roommate asked me why I always listen to old vinyl music. I told her it’s because I like listening to music where I know all the performers are dead. She locks her door now.
- Idea for pop-up book: Kafka’s “Metamorphosis”
“Feed him milk as he cries in the corner!”
“Play violin poorly in front of guests!”
“Try to remove the rotting apple from his carapace – and never succeed!”
- The lonelier I get, the less I want to hear other people complain about their stalkers.
- Way to stop Hunter from pestering me about not drinking: get drunk and hit on him.
- “Just because I can’t explain it doesn’t mean I don’t understand it.”
- “You ever put your hand in a man’s FACE?! I did! To get a NOTE that he left for his WIFE!”
“Why was the note in his face?”
- Upon noticing Christi’s clearly visible copy of High Times in her car: “I see you have the latest issue of Probable Cause.”
- Moments after Sarah explained to me how to adjust the temperature in the freezer:
“That’s sad. Probably the one thing I in life I could teach you, and it’s the location of a knob.”
- Whenever I see someone with a beard, no matter who they are – enemy, friend, protester – I imagine them early in the morning trimming it to perfection.
- I thought he was giving me the evil eye. Turns out he just didn’t have one.
- Upon suggesting a truly idiotic solution to Chris:
“I wonder why I never thought of that. Must’ve been the four years of electrical engineering I took in college.”
- “I punched him in the back of the face.”
- Remember when grocery stores had big cages of bouncy balls?
- NASA tour guide: “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Or good morning. I don’t really know where I am.”
- “None of these buildings have any windows.”
“NASA engineers aren’t allowed to daydream.”
- I took out my car keys to unlock my locker.
- It’s the worst kind of disappointment, right up there with learning that your favorite actor is a scientologist.
- She thought ink in pens came from the ink in octopuses. “But sponges were real sponges!”
- Diego set up a continuous drip bowl under the faucet so the cat can have fresh water all the time. The damn thing drinks from the toilet.
- “You intimidate me in all the right ways.”
- Sometimes I want an experiment to fail just so I can go home early.
- I pulled off a sticker from a pear only to bite into another sticker still on it.
- “I found out when I was seven and my dad got diabetes. All of a sudden Santa needed sugar-free cookies.”
KISS ME? [_] YES [_] NO [_] OTHER (please specify): _________
- “I told her I loved her.”
“You use that word too freely.”
“No I don’t. It’s an important word to me.”
“You told Jade you were in love with her.”
“Yeah, but that was a year ago!”
- “I’d make the best boyfriend.”
“I know where the cheap flowers are. And I’m thoughtful. And I’m good with dates.”
“I’d make the best girlfriend.”
“Because I’d totally make out with my boyfriend all the time.”
- “I can’t believe you still want her after she said she doesn’t want you. I have to know I’m first choice, otherwise I don’t date boys at all.”
“But you’re a girl, you have that luxury. Guys have to prove they’re worthy. All girls have to do is accept or reject. Also, they have to wear corsets and never cut their hair, lest they be thought of as a common whore.”
“This is true. That’s why I’m referred to as ‘That Slut’.”
- What if she called when my phone was in a no coverage zone?
- Gay suicidal patient: “You just don’t understand how much pressure there is in that household!”
Nurse: “Do people die there?”
- “I like your short hair. It makes me feel like I’m kissing a dude.”
- “She tried to kill herself. I saw her shaking and vomiting activated charcoal. That’s when I knew she was the one.”
- “You know things aren’t quite right when you’re sitting home on a Friday night using a toenail clipping as a toothpick.”
- 1) Find an obscure movie to steal good bits from.
2) Impress girls with shamelessly stolen lines (chances are they won’t notice the plagiarism).
3) If they do recognize it, pass it off as a sly reference (bonus: they probably like the same stuff as you).