Maybe

Posted By on December 25, 2008

As a rule, I don’t usually write personal entries for this site because doing so makes me uncomfortable. However, I am about as uncomfortable as can be at the moment, so anything I do here can’t possibly make matters worse.

Today I told the best friend I ever had that I had to stop talking to her. I feel awful just typing those words, and I can’t imagine these feelings abating any time soon. She understood that I need some time to process everything, but I could tell how much I disappointed her when I said I didn’t know how long that would take. I could hear just in the way she spoke how hurt she was, and I nearly lost it then and there.

The truth is I don’t know how much time I’ll need. Things are different now. For the longest time things between us have been one “maybe” after another. “Maybe” gave each of us some kind of hope — it was unrealistic and unrealizable hope, but it was comforting in its own way. The problem with “maybe” is that it is, at the same time, incredibly painful when it lasts so long. I can only speak for myself, but living with “maybe” hovering over my head for so long brought a type of pain that could only be relieved by delusions. I can’t describe them here because, frankly, they’re a little embarrassing, but the common theme throughout them was that any moment now things could change, if only I did this or that or said the right thing at the right time.

I couldn’t go on living like this; I had to get a “yes” or “no” response from her, and when I pushed for one she chose “no”. Living with a “no”, I found out very quickly, is a lot different from living with a “maybe”. Actually, I don’t know how to live with “no” yet. I still don’t want to live with “no”. I miss “maybe” already, but now I know the reality of the situation with unimpeachable certainty, and the reality of the situation is that she chose “no”.

I cannot keep deluding myself into thinking “maybe”, and if I keep talking to her that’s exactly what I’ll do. I need to move on now if I am to be honest with myself and honest with her. I hope one day I’ll be able to call her up and talk to her without all this trouble, and I hope that day comes soon, because she is the most wonderful person I’ve ever known and my life will all the more impoverished without her. And now I have to be honest with myself one more time. The main reason I’m posting this here is because, damnit, I just told her I couldn’t talk her, and yet I want her to better understand why I’m doing what I’m doing. It’s almost 2:00 am on Christmas morning and my eyes are still burning and blurry from earlier, so I might not have written the most coherent of posts, but I hope you’ll understand anyway.

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2 Responses to “Maybe”

  1. Anon. says:

    Hey man, I’m sorry – I’ve been there this year, and it sucks ass for sure. I found your site through that terrorist stunt you pulled, hah, and finding you amusing thought I’d return. Wouldn’t have commented – but I want you to know you’re doing the right thing. You know this, but when the person’s right for you you won’t have to walk a constant tightrope, hoping that this sentence will make her fall for you, or that action kept her from doing so. You’ll be secure in knowing they’re just into you, plain and simple. And keeping her as a friend will only keep that image of her alive inside, which will keep you from seeing anyone else that way (as well as prolong the torture; believe me, I know the ways a thoughtful soul can put him/herself on the rack). Anyway, good luck. Go out and do something horrifically socially awkward in public, it’ll cheer you up.

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