90% True

Posted By Caulimovirus on April 29, 2008

.: My Cell Physiology professor is retiring this semester, and as a treat to his class he wheeled in a bookshelf containing every textbook in his library and let us pinch whatever we wanted. One lucky bastard snagged the 7th edition of Campbell and Reece’s Biology, but most everything else was out of date. I waited for the feeding frenzy to clear, and when it did there were only a few items left: a human physiology study guide companion, three statistical analysis manuals, and one fantastically bizarre pamphlet on fasting written by none other than Jerry Falwell:

.: It’s 55 pages long, held together by two staples, and just the shade of yellow you’d expect from a 24 year old booklet. It looks as if upwards to three days of work were put into making this thing. The pages naturally fall open to chapter three: How To Fast. Amazingly, five pages follow explaining exactly that.

.: If you can’t read the text in the image above, it says:

In this helpful study of the biblical and historical role of fasting, Dr. Jerry Falwell offers sound, practical advice on this often neglected topic.

He explores the types and occasions of biblical fasting, discusses the meaning of this practice for Christians today, and gives detailed instructions on how to receive the greatest benefit from prayerful fasting.

A must manual for churches and individuals who see a need for sincere discipline in all areas of the Christian life in these days of national and international crisis.

.: Already my devious mind began spinning. I must warn the reader now that what comes next is juvenile humor at its basest form, a puerile assault upon the senses and wholly without worth in terms of both quality and taste. Nevertheless, I wish to share with you my shenanigans because I find them really, really funny.

.: It occurred to me that a simple substitution of the “s” for an “r” transformed what was already a ridiculous work of bogus biblical therapy into the funniest twenty minutes of reading I’ve ever had the pleasure of creating. Thus the opening line of the introduction,

During the past several years fasting has become a popular form of protest.

…becomes

During the past several years farting has become a popular form of protest.

.: It doesn’t stop there. Almost the entire book can handle the switch and still work with its context:

Many people in the Bible farted. Moses farted on Mount Sinai (Exodus 34:28). Hannah farted when she wanted a son from God (1 Samuel 1:7). David farted on several occasions (2 Samuel 1:12; 12:22). The entire Israelite nation farted on the Day of Atonement (Leviticus 23:27a).

But farting is not just an Old Testament practice. Jesus farted in the wilderness (Matthew 4:2). John the Baptist taught his disciples to fart frequently (Mark 2:18; Luke 5:33). Some found fault with Jesus’ disciples for their failure to fart often (Matthew 9:14, 15; Mark 2:18, 19; Luke 5:33-35).

.: It became a game for a friend and me to find the passage best served by the transposition. Several strong contenders were isolated and duly corrected:

• Throughout history, great men sought the power and blessing of God while farting. Luther, Calvin, and Knox farted. Jonathan Edwards farted for twenty-two hours prior to preaching his famous sermon, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”
• Momentous decisions must be made in the 1980s, a decade of destiny. Revival must come to America. Because of this, I have called America to join me in a great fart.
• Some have mistakenly said that we should not preach about farting. They quote the Scriptures where Jesus commanded that we should not boast about our farting. “Moreover when ye fart, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fart.
• We must fart continually for America
• Some women’s magazines have suggested farting for dieting. Others have advocated farting for physical benefits. A few people have done fanatical things when they farted.
• There are certain dangers associated with farting. Perhaps this is the reason why no explicit commands regarding the optimum occasion and the length of a fart are found in the Bible.
• A fourth danger of farting occurs when people try to equate spirituality with farting. Some people want everyone to fart exactly the way they fart.

.: As is the case with everything lowbrow, it can be difficult to know when to stop. My friend Hunter once exclaimed to me that farts will always be funny. When I asked him why he believed this to be so, he answered, “Because it’s the sound of your ass cheeks flapping against each other thousands of times per second.” I have since analyzed his reasoning from every conceivable angle and have found it devoid of any flaws.

.: I feel fortunate to have stumbled across this gem before anyone else, because, really, the joke is obvious to anyone with an appropriately stunted mind. Before I go, I feel it is my duty to reference prior art:

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