Open Letter
Posted By Caulimovirus on April 13, 2007
“A Letter Written to One Person, for the Benefit of All”
Dear Guy in my Political Science Class,
.: I understand you’re a conservative; you made that perfectly clear on the first day of class. Your blog even boasts proudly of this fact in its title, Too Conservative. I understand that you have disagreements with our professor. I also understand how odd it feels to come to a predominantly conservative and Baptist campus only to find out your political science professor is a liberal Jewish woman.
.: I used to enjoy your little interruptions. I thought they were quaint. They provided me a glimpse into the past of how men of previous generations viewed the way society ought to be, and I’ve enjoyed that, at least on an anthropological level. You’ve even corrected the professor on some non-trivial points, and that’s always appreciated. You’re certainly more enjoyable than that other guy. You know the one I’m talking about: the anarcho-capitalist whose muddled thoughts match perfectly his muffled speech.
.: But the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced you’ve become a parody. It’s an interesting phenomenon among conservatives, so don’t feel too embarrassed if my conclusion is incorrect and you do indeed believe the things you say. I’m claiming that you’re a clever parody because, on balance, it’s the most charitable thing I can do. I also think you’re hilarious, in a Stephen Colbert kind of way.
.: I found it funny — and the rest of the class did as well — when you said Ann Coulter was a scholar. And the reason your statement was funny is that implicit in your description of Miss Coulter lies a hilarious denigration of the most literate group of people in our society. But I’m sure you’re well aware of that; you made the joke, after all. When asked by our professor what the peer-reviewed scholarly literature’s consensus was on Miss Coulter’s book, Treason, you jokingly referred to George W. Bush’s enthusiastic endorsement. Again — highly amusing. When she asked if anyone had seen Good Night, and Good Luck, you mimicked perfectly the stereotypical conservative response: “You mean that agenda-pushing movie by Hollywood liberal George Clooney?”
.: I don’t know why or when you decided to become a parody — I could have sworn you were sincere in your beliefs at the beginning of the semester. Now that I think about it, your earlier statements were even more brilliant than the ones you made today. “What if the little brat was lying?” I remember you say during the discussion on child testimony. Your character’s invariable distrust of all things that weren’t adult, white, straight, or male worked towards a subtle sort of charm. I fell for it, too. You made me believe that other people could seriously think that way.
.: But maybe you really are a conservative; maybe you’re just annoyed by the soft-thinking, jingoistic philosophy that modern conservatism has become, and you’re trying to change that with humor. It is possible to be an intelligent conservative and to criticize the lazy thinkers within your ranks. Even Jon Stewart makes fun of democrats sometimes.
.: But now that you’ve made it obvious that you’re just a parody, I think the magic is gone. You were more effective when your comments were merely ill-informed and only subtly unreasoned. Making outrageous statements like “If you’re friends with a commie, then you’re a commie” will blow your cover, and people won’t fall for it anymore.
Yours Truly,
That Other Guy in Class
“If you’re friends with a commie, then you’re a commieâ€
1.) learn to take a joke
“maybe you’re just annoyed by the soft-thinking, jingoistic philosophy that modern conservatism has become”
2.) “jingoistic”, huh? Not that I was really listening/taking you seriously in the first place, but this is the definite sign that you are not to be taken seriously. Quit reading Salon.
3.) Finally, why do conservatives make you so mad? This “guy” in your poli sci class is obviously doing something right/effective, or you wouldn’t take the time to respond…
This guy is not a TV character as you seem to make him out to be; this was mostly incoherent babble. And why is that all liberals seem to have the same “diarrhea of the mouth” problem, where nothing but weird “crap” comes out of your mouths?
Now, now, back to “Dungeons & Dragons” you go.
“And why is IT that all liberals…”*
“learn to take a joke”
You’ll be pleased to learn that this is precisely the course of action I’ve elected to take (Cf: Open Letter).
Jeez, you take yourself seriously, don’t you? I agree with “Laughing Hysterically” above – you’ve just got diarrhea of the mouth from reading all the liberalism-for-dummies stuff posted by the DNC at reddit.
I think it’s great that you have an opinion and that you can cohesively present it but seriously – take a day or two after attending class before you post this sort of babbling and then advertise it across the world by posting it on all the social sites.
Just take the night off – sleep, get laid, drink a beer or whatever else a 21yo college kid wants to do but let some time pass between when he annoys you and when you post. You seem intelligent but this post is just whining IMO. So what if he wants to be a conservative? You’re a liberal. If you’re having this much difficulty dealing with “strong opposition” then you won’t make it very long as a liberal!
I believe the word that both of you are looking for is logorrhea.
And I think you are confused: he does not annoy me; he amuses me.
Cody, you wrote a humorous, thoughtful piece. You remained reasonable, and you weren’t exclusionary. Your conservative readers can’t keep up the speed, and resort to ad hominem attacks…and jingoistic phrases! Keep up the good ideas!
I’m suspicious of the amusingly ignorant and hypocritical responses. The comments by “Laughing Histerically” seemed shockingly appropriate when he perfectly played the part described in the original post, but for “Tkae Yourself Seriously?” to follow up with, “I think it’s great that you have an opinion and that you can cohesively present it but seriously – take a day or two after attending class before you post this sort of babbling…” just blew the believability of the entire joke.
At least I wish it did. Unfortunately it is a little too probable that someone would write such obviously flawed opinions communicated in laughably condescending, self-righteous prose. I prefer to think a single person wrote the posts referenced in the paragraph above, but it is entirely possible that they were not only two people, unrelated but for their mental afflictions, but that hordes of others would not only agree, but take the sentiment to frightening levels of idiocy if given the chance.
I fear for the children of these people.
Bah! Grumble, grumble, point-for-point analyses, unrelated attack!
Just because I don’t think you had enough of that sort of thing so far. Great piece.
It’s double think. It’s not a parody. It’s sincere belief.
These “Laughing histarically” posts are perfect examples too.
Making fun of “jingoistic” is… hmmm. How shall I put this, beneath 5th grade intellect. “A complicated word? I don’t quite understand it. I’d better just make fun of it and pretend that I do know what it means”.
I wonder, does “Hilarious man” know another word which is less contrived, less snob which means that same thing? Or perhaps he would rather banish the world altogether from his vocabulary so as to not ever even have to think of it? So what is jingoism in newspeak?
I remember when I was a sophomore, we had had a teachers’ encounter day where teachers from different universities had come to our school to talk about the various sciences.
One of them, a math teacher, had answered my honest question “why do we need vector spaces? Why study such a thing?” with: “Because we found out after a while that the world was more complicated than it appeared on the surface. And we needed more powerful tools to understand it.”
It seems the US market system has killed that kind of thought process (with endless punditry, dumbind down, black and whiting, good and evil, 12 step diets…). But reality will stay the same folks. Reality will never be so simple as to be described not even fully, but merely adequately using only a 1000 word lexicon of “common english”, where “jingoistic” sounds too funny and so is probably just a wanna-be statement.
I say good luck to you Cody, because I really think that guy will get further in this world than you will. He will go high in the echelon of the current powers because of this precise pathology which a normal sane person should denounce.
He will go further because he is sought after, the passive mind that he is, to fill in the vacancies in the corruption and abomination which is quickly (not slowly) becoming the United States, whereas you will have to fight your way to oppose this system.
Which you will likely not do.
Wow. The parodies keep coming! It’s almost as if illiterate knuckle-dragging was a fad! Come watch! They can’t read! They don’t write related to what they claim to read! They complain! They blame and then they whimper because they had nothing to say.
I wish to my Lord Jesus it was funny instead of pathetic. Forgive them, they know not what they um… think?
I though about congratulating you on making it on reddit.
Then I realized that it meant that people who read reddit would visit your site.
Im sorry.
Dear Guy in my Political Science Class…
I understand you’re a conservative; you made that perfectly clear on the first day of class…….
Cynical me said “So what is jingoism in newspeak?”
Cynical me asked “So what is jingoism in newspeak?”
answer: fair and balanced
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