Sleep Deprivation: Part III

Posted By on November 28, 2005

“This Is Why I Don’t Drink Alcohol”

.: Things did not go so well. I am not talking about the alcohol but, rather, my sleep schedule. Of the three nights I spent at Ben’s, I was disturbed twice whilst sleeping. The third night I didn’t sleep at all. The first disturbance requires a bit of backstory:

.: Ben’s mother likes to call out her childrens’ names and have them come to she instead of she going to them — every parent prefers it that way, and she does so every day. Ben’s brother, Mike, has the kind of name with a long, piercing vowel in the middle of it with a harsh, greek consonant at the end. Said in the right tone of voice and it can be an ideal sound for an alarm clock. Now, Ben’s mother is courteous enough to wait until after sunrise to call for her sons, but the problem arises when you realize that she also owns a parrot.

.: The second disturbance was entirely a fault of my own, and being that it represents my character in an unflattering light, I will not share the details with you here.

.: The third night is the particular night of interest and, as such, the main subject of this post.

.: Not finding much to do nor people to do it with, my friends Ben and Aubrey decided to get drunk. There was Tequila, Rum, and Vodka, and Amy and I were having none of it. (She didn’t drink because she had to drive home. Good for her.)

.: With Aubrey and Ben drunk off their respective asses, we struggled to think of something to do. We momentarily ruled out leaving the house, as that would have cost money and required movement on our part; so we settled for pool: Ben and Aubrey versus Amy and Me. You’d think two relatively inexperienced players could beat two heavily inebriated players, and we did, but only because Aubrey scratched on the eight ball three times in a row.

.: All of that happened around 11:00 pm to 1:00 am. At that point, Aubrey and Ben were Fake Drunks. Normally when either of them wants to be the funny person, one of them will quote a character from some animated TV show saying something that is indeed funny, and then the other person will supply the proceeding line. It never fails. That night, however, they spoke as if they were quoting some readily familiar lines from various TV shows, yet I did not recognize any of them, which I immediately understood to be part of their drunkeness. I’ve never been around either of them when they were drunk, but when they can look me in the eye and calmly say “I’m not that drunk” I’m convinced that there is some degree of truth in their words. All truth vanishes, however, the moment they aim for the floor and miss.

.: At this point poor Amy was being hounded left and right by licentious young men who couldn’t get enough of her matter-of-factly large breasts — young men who would hoot and hollar about them any chance they could get. Those young men being Ben and Aubrey, this is an entirely normal affair even without alcohol and an utterly inevitable one with.

.: Since we were all still inside Ben’s house, nearly anything they could do at this point was without serious consequence and Amy and I could easily, if a bit nervously, sit back and laugh. One particular bit amusing enough for me to retell is this: Ben, having slipped on the floor after tripping over his foot, told me to stop spinning. Since I was already completely motionless, I did my best to oblige him by standing up and spinning round and round. “Too fast! Too fast!” he shouted. Correcting for my errors, I promptly spun round the other way and all was good.

.: Another funny moment involved, well, really it was just Ben and Aubrey talking really loudly and falling over. You can imagine the hilarity!

.: Somebody then had the bright idea that we should go to Denny’s. Upon hearing this suggestion, Ben commanded one of us to call Nathan to see if he’d join us. Aubrey called and we learned that Nathan was already driving from Denny’s after meeting with some other friends. Ben then told me to call Nathan to see if he’d like to join us at Denny’s. I politely reminded him that Aubrey had done just that, and he not so politely told me that he understood that, now would I please call Nathan, god damnit!

.: Completely underestimating Intoxicated Ben’s ability to behave functionally in public, we all piled into my car and headed to Denny’s. On the way, Ben told me to call Nathan and to tell him to meet us there, and then he puked all over the outside of my car. I saw Aubrey in the rear-view mirror, and — judging by the look on his face and his tenuous connection with reality — he was probably experiencing something a bit like this.

.: I pulled into the Denny’s parking lot and quickly let Ben out of the car. He scurried as fast as he could to the back fence and emptied the rest of his stomach contents out onto the pavement. I was fortunate enough to have several towels in my car’s trunk, and Amy was nice enough to clean the vomit from my car. Ben saw that we were in the Denny’s parking lot and asked us if we’d called Nathan yet. Continuing with my musical suppositions of somebody’s inner-workings, I can only imagine Ben’s mind reeling around this Talking Head’s tune at this point in time. “I feel so much better!” he said while his pants were around his ankles, urine no-doubtedly trickling down one of his legs.

.: I ran inside to find Nathan. He sat in our usual spot and had a full order of breakfast in front of him. “Help!” I said with my hands in my hair. Nathan, coolly and calmly, walked outside and found Amy gently brushing off the bits of effluence from Ben’s shoulder.

“Ben’s DRuNK!” Aubrey quietly informed Nathan.

“NathAN!” Ben said, his arms forming a wide V. “Did they call you?”

“Ben, how much have you had to drink?”

“I don’t know!”

“Cody, how much have they had to drink?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m a little drunk, but I’m fine,” added Aubrey.

“How drunk is Aubrey?”

“He’s pretty drunk, but he can handle himself.”

*Ben says something loud and indecipherable*

“Okay,” said Nathan, “Ben, you can’t go in if you’re not going to control yourself.”

.: We took Ben and Aubrey into Denny’s, if only because the alternative meant more time with two explosively drunk people inside my car. Denny’s has people it pays to clean up such messes; my car does not.

.: Once inside, Nathan gave me one half of his pancake stack. I was three bites into it when Ben lunged across the table and touched the pancakes on my plate. He didn’t grab them as if he wanted them; he merely touched them, as if that were his ultimate goal, which it probably was. I said I wasn’t hungry anymore and asked the poor waitress for some coffee. I am by no means a coffee-lover, but I will say coffee tastes exceptionally good when you really need it.

.: Aubrey, almost totally quiet since the car ride, quietly snuck away to the bathroom. Ten minutes later, Nathan said that it would probably be a good idea if I checked on him. I did, and he was fine, so I returned. Aubrey returned another five minutes later, and all seemed to be going well. We made jokes and Nathan told us a humorous story involving himself, three coworkers, and four shots of a strange, orange, glowing liquid which they were all goaded into drinking and which turned out to be some sort of a louisiana-grown super hot sauce. Aubrey then not so discreetly left the table, calculated the amount of time he had left, determined outside was quicker, and proceeded to york it all over the criminally untrimmed bushes. This garnered several views from various patrons and we decided that now was a good time to leave, only we couldn’t, because Aubrey was still retching all over the bushes.

.: Under the impression that Aubrey was beyond all doubt empty of unpleasant contents, we drove back to Ben’s house, during which time the natural vibrations of the car caused Aubrey to completely and utterly unload whatever fluids remained in his body, this time on the other side of my car.

.: At around 4:30 we got home. Amy and I helped Aubrey and Ben make it upstairs, and they crashed. Amy hung around for a few minutes and made sure neither Aubrey nor Ben asphyxiated to death while I went to the 24 hour Walgreens to buy three doubleshots of espresso, for you see, I had to make sure that Ben was up by 6:00 am so that he could catch his taxi that would take him to the airport for him to get on a plane and fly back to New York. That was in one and a half hours! Aubrey’s responsibilty was to be up in time to wake up Ben’s previously mentioned younger brother Mike so that he would make his taxicab to the airport. You’d think this wouldn’t be a problem, since Mike has been asleep this whole time. But some more backstory is required for you to fully appreciate the extent of Mikey’s lazy incompetence:

.: Once, for a whole month, Mikey was so god damn lazy he couldn’t muster the energy to walk across the hall to use the restroom. Instead, he urinated and defecated in the corner of his room and covered the offending materials with newspapers thinking that would be enough.

.: That is all the backstory you need, and, I suspect, all the backstory you want, perhaps even more than you want. Much more. With that in mind, you should be able to understand why somebody would have to be awake to ensure his timely depature.

.: That person, however, could not have been me, for, you see, I was also leaving at 6:00 am. After staying up all night looking after two drunks friends, I had plans to meet Susan. Four hours and eight shots of espresso later, I was in Dallas.

.: I’m going to end the story here since it’s already much too long, except I’m going to treat you all to a song. It’s a fairly well known song, and I think Amy, more than anybody, will appreciate it.

Right-click and select “save as”

Addendum (9:59): I just want to add that on the way back from Dallas, still sleep-deprived and chock-full of caffiene, I got stuck in a traffic jam that spanned 15 miles and took over an hour to get through. When I finally reached the bottleneck, I realized the thing that was keeping us back was an incredibly large accident on the other side of the freeway. In other words, rubbernecking and rubbernecking only was what caused this enormous traffic jam. Unbelievable!

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7 Responses to “Sleep Deprivation: Part III”

  1. Christina says:

    How is that unbelievable? It happens all the time. Probably everyday.

    I cannot believe that a human person would ever spend and entire MONTH going to the bathroom in the corner of their room. This leads me to conclude that Mike is NOT a human person. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with this information, but I must say that I’m glad he’s in military school now.

    Did you sleep before you wrote this post? Because parts of it definetly don’t really make sense. I recommend sleeping before you post again. It shouldn’t be too hard, just lie down and you should just pass right out.

  2. Julia says:

    C’est la vie, friend. Kinda like the time my roomie and I were stuck on I-35 for 6 hours just to get from here (San Antonio) to Austin.

  3. surrealgertrude says:

    Wow.Guess you can take Ben outta N’awlins, but you cannot take N’awlins outta Ben. (Altho’ after all the spewage, that may actually have been accomplished…)

  4. Ben says:

    Far from it – can’t wait to get back.
    And yes, my brother’s a slob, but he’s gotten better.
    He uses a bucket now.

  5. lee says:

    alcohol doesnt have to spell disaster- all it takes is a little moderation. of course, some people never learn that; hopefully your friends do. it certainly took me a number of years. although many people feel that drinking can only and must always lead to total obliteration, this isn’t how most people do it, outside of college. all i really wanted to say is this: don’t let other people’s lack of control dissuade you from allowing yourself to lose a little of your own.

  6. pero says:

    My dog won’t even “go” where he lives.

    I don’t know why people tend to migrate to Denny’s after binging on alcohol. It is possible that it is because, as we know through subtle advertising, Denny’s is “Always Open”. It may be because Denny’s makes the most money in those after-last-call hours of the very early morning and have an unending tolerance for the drunk people that stumble through their doors, (alcohol induced) bravery intact; allowing them to consume the Denny’s cuisine.*

    *I am fairly certain that paragraph violates many rules of punctuation — but I am not sure how to fix it.

    Comment on comment: I thought the post made sense; or at least I followed it without having to read any of the paragraphs twice.

  7. Cody says:

    Yeah, if parts of the post didn’t make sense, that’s only because they didn’t make sense when they were actually happening.