Off Interstate 30

Posted By on October 11, 2005

Or
“What Not To Do In Case Of A Cold Sore”

.: Susan’s visiting me this week. She’ll be arriving tomorrow night with four of her friends.

.: This morning I discovered a cold sore developing on my upper lip. Of course.

.: Now, normally I would wait the two weeks or so and let the cold sore run its course. But, this was different. I didn’t have time to wait for a prescription of acyclovir or any of that over the counter releev crap. I needed results and I needed them now. So, I did the only rational thing a man in love could do:

I decided to burn the bastard off.

.: I had a lighter, but I didn’t want to hold a flame up to my lip–that would just be stupid. I needed something that would carry the heat in a controlled manner. The only thing I had in my room that would do just that was a staple.

.: So I wrapped one end of the staple in some paper towel and I held it up to the flame. It got hot, all right, but the heat dissipated much too quickly when it touched my lip (that didn’t stop it from hurting like a bitch, though). I needed something else, so I went downstairs to the kitchen.

.: I saw it, the object that would help me do the deed, the itme that would allow me to embrace my love without fear of cross contamination: an icepick. It was perfect! It was long, made of metal, and had a nifty insulating wood handle. I held it over the flame, waited for it to turn red, and then I placed it gently on the cold sore.

.: And then . . . nothing. Sure, it stung a little, but it ultimately didn’t do anything. The cold sore was still there, and my lip was a little black from soot. It was all pain and no gain.

.: And now, in 24 hours, Susan will be here, and I might not be able to kiss her. What a load of crap.

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Comments

35 Responses to “Off Interstate 30”

  1. Greg says:

    To paraphrase a great 20th century philosopher: “Beavis, you dumbass”

  2. NJ says:

    Most people know that arginine is one of the proteins that assists HSV, whereas lysine is a protein that helps inhibit the virus. There is a list of foods online that show a relative arginine to lysine ratio. In theory, eating foods high in lysine should help reduce the number of outbreaks.

    Cold

  3. Christina says:

    I don’t know what is more disgusting: the thought of what you did to your face, or you…kissing…people. Actually, I take that back, I do know what’s more disgusting.

  4. JillStaci says:

    I discovered your blog via Cruel.site and was stunned by your obvious intelligence and wit (not to mention your spectacular writing skills) when I read “I am a terrorist” ten minutes ago.

    And then I read this entry.

    I haven’t been this saddened by prose since slogging through the last part of “Flowers for Algernon”.

    I dread coming here later and reading something like Susan hear now an wee play patticake! or saw pemple on my face an was like ‘wear is thet stapler?!?1

  5. Cody says:

    Love makes you say crazy things.

  6. Dallas says:

    It seems to me that someone is upset about Cody already having a girlfriend. Why would this be, Jill?

  7. JillStaci says:

    Why would this be, Jill?

    Perhaps it’s because I’m stuck in South Florida, where the embodiment of an “available young bachelor” is a 60-year-old in black socks and sandals.

    Seriously, though, the discovery of Susan did smash to bits my fevered 10-minute-dream of skipping off to Texas, sniffing out Cody, and slipping some Rufies into his drink.

    Such is life.

  8. Cody says:

    {{super secret message to JillStaci}}

    If you’d like, I could fly to Florida this weekend and you can slip some rufies into my drink at your place. Nobody will have to know.

    {{/super secret message to JillStaci}}

  9. JillStaci says:

    Cody-

    Babydoll, you are a tease.

    But that’s all right. As we say in North Carolina, “Y’all do what comes natural.” I don’t know what they say in South Florida, yet.

    Don’t continue to flirt with me, because I have sent my sister an email with a link to “I am a terrorist”, and she might read this. She does not look kindly on me ‘passing the time’ with unknown, unseen gentlemen over the internet.

    You were flirting with me, right? I mean, Susan is obviously secure enough to let you flirt where she can so blatantly see it. That is the kind of woman to hang on to.

    P.S. also, it is apparent that you have made out with Christina. That doesn’t bother me, either.

  10. Dallas says:

    Damn.

    Cody, you’re on your own.

  11. Christina says:

    If you ever ever ever suggest such a thing again I will…oh god the bathroom is not close enough…

  12. JillStaci says:

    Cody-

    Apparently, Dallas has rescinded his role as your wingman.

    My sister will now breathe easy.

    For the time being.

  13. JillStaci says:

    but, Christina, you said….

  14. susan says:

    This whole exchange amused me with the obvious exception of the post itself. You probably shouldn’t attempt to self-cauterize your cold sores in the future.

    Also, JillStaci, I think you are right about Christina. It’s neither here nor there, but your insight makes sense.

  15. Christina says:

    Well, Jill, apparently you are right. Cody claims to have raped me while I was under the effects of Chloroform. While I don’t remember anything of this, obviously, I can tell you that I would never conciously perform any sort of sexual act with Cody, even if it brought me the power of flight.

  16. JillStaci says:

    You probably shouldn’t attempt to self-cauterize your cold sores in the future.

    You didn’t kiss him, then?

    Not that I care or anything. Just wondering. Just one of those things, you understand. ‘Curiosity’; yeah, that’s the ticket.

    It’s not like you’re Christina, fer cryin’ out loud.

  17. Ev says:

    Dear Cody,
    I heart you.
    Sincerely, Ev.

  18. G-Fry says:

    This is a weird ass conversation, ya’ll. Does anyone else notice that?

  19. Ben says:

    Word.

  20. JillStaci says:

    I second Ben’s ‘Word’.

    I am genuinely envious of Ben – I have never had the ability nor talent to supply a one-word response to a verbal or written offering that was so sparse, yet so all-encompassing. So apropos, really.

    Excuse me while I fill the bathtub with water in anticipation of Wilma, the most powerful hurricane ever.

  21. Christina says:

    As an experienced hurricane evacuee, let me tell you, you’ll need more than a bathtub full of water. But as a Floridian, I’m sure hurricane preparation is in your veins.

  22. JillStaci says:

    I’m sure hurricane preparation is in your veins.

    Not really, since I just got here.

    I haven’t planned on evacuating, but since you’re experienced, can your give me any pointers? Where to go, what to see, that sort of thing?

    In North Carolina, nobody ever prepared or evacuated due to weather-related events. They just threw up their hands and closed shop. So I am dreadfully unprepared.

    My mama says I’ll need batteries for flashlights. And canned food.

  23. Christina says:

    You should definetly evacuate to some place that you’ve never been that is on your “Must See List.” I personally recommend Hawaii or if you’ve had enough of tropical paradise, perhaps a cultural center such as Paris or New York. Whatever strikes your fancy. Go wild. The hurricane will soon make your life a living hell, so you should have as much fun as possible before reality catches up with you.

  24. Dallas says:

    “The hurricane will soon make your life a living hell, so you should have as much fun as possible before reality catches up with you.”

    Tell me about it. Life was almost unbearable after Rita came through here. The devastation was utterly catastrophic: lawn chairs were tipped over, roses had been stripped of their petals, and leaves blanketed the ground. We almost lost power at one point; that was particularly frightful.

  25. Christina says:

    Dallas, not all of us spend all our time in Houston. Some of us go to college in New Orleans. Some of us had to reapply to college. Some of us are now going to A&M (barf). Certainly my life could be much worse. I only lost a TV and a school. But you should not make assumptions.

  26. Dallas says:

    I’m very well of the fact that you attend(ed) the University of Tulane: I visited both Ben and you there with my brother. I was merely having fun, in a sort of dark way, at the expense of those who thought Rita would be akin to Armageddon (That’s 2.4 million Houstonians). Maybe it is a bit inappropriate finding humor in such things, but I’m not completely without empathy. I take great pity on you for having to attend A&M.

  27. JillStaci says:

    Dallas, you is a funny man.

    Sometime today, I will order my chauffeur, Jones (he is such a pet), to treat the backseat of the Benz to a final flick of the chamois, and we will be on our way to Hawaii. Or Paris, if the roads aren’t too bad.

  28. JillStaci says:

    As a side note, my sister has read these comments, and totally relates to Christina.

    “You have a habit of reading things into things, and being all sarcastic and what you think is funny, and you’re just not. Christina has your number,” she wrote, putting her master’s degree to good use. (I don’t think she was including Dallas in the “You” referenced in the beginning of this paragraph, but I don’t discount that. My sister is the All Knowing.) She likes to put me in my place.

    “Why would Christina want my number?” I screamed over cyber-space. “If anything, the situation should be reversed. I haven’t made out with Cody.”

    “Whose[sic] Cody?” she replied.

  29. Christina says:

    Mayhaps I want your number to make out with YOU!

  30. Tubbs says:

    Making out. Cold sores. Hurricanes.

    Wow.

    side note: Dallas, I’m from New Orleans, stayed for katrina, and was in west lafayette for rita. Now I’m in south florida. And I still thought your comment was funny. henh.

    Jill: I am in love with you.

    G-Fry: you should’ve known things would be weird over here. It’s your own fault.

  31. JillStaci says:

    Tubbs: Jill: I am in love with you.

    Jill: From Young Frankenstein: Elizabeth: Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I found you!

  32. JillStaci says:

    Christina” can be substituted for “sweet mystery of life” for those of you interested in that wacky ‘girl-on-girl’ action referred to by (wryly, I imagine) Christina herself.

  33. Ben says:


    word.

  34. N Mandela says:

    There is some amazing news with regards to cold sores. Professor Bloom of Florida University has discovered a novel way to inhibit the virus. Check it out:

    http://www.joot.com/dave/writings/articles/cold-sores/news.shtml

    -NJ

  35. Christina says:

    I love Young Frankenstein.