90% True

.: James Randi has a new Commentary update, including an entry titled “Zero Tolerance or Zero Brains”.

.: Huzzah!

.: Whaddya got for us, Dick?

:-: Okay, how about this:

.: I’m listening.

:-: So there’s this elephant, right? And he has big fucking ears.

.: You’re fired.

:-: Hear me out!

.: You’ve got three minutes.

:-: So he’s got these big fucking ears, and all the other elephants hate him.

.: Naturally.

:-: But what the freaky big-eared elephant doesn’t know, is that his gigantic ears give him the ability of flight.

.: …

:-: He only finds this out after he gets piss drunk and wakes up in a tree, though.

.: The elephant becomes intoxicated at some point?

:-: Yeah, because he had the hiccups and his optimistic mouse friend told him to drink some water. Here’s the best part: while he’s drunk, he has a freaky-ass dream about other elephants.

.: What color are these other elephants?

:-: Pink.

.: I see.

:-: And they’re not only pink, but they’re also shape-shifters. I’ve got this one scene all planned out where we see an elephant who’s made up of nothing but elephant heads. That’ll scare the shit out of any three-year-old for years!

.: Right, well, the more I think about it the more your idea sounds like it’ll actually work. You got a title yet?

:-: I do. I call it: “Goofy Ass Elephant With Big Fucking Ears.”

.: …

:-: It’s a working title.

.: Yesterday my neighbor knocked on my door. When I opened it, she asked if she could borrow some eggs. “Yes,” I said, “but I better get them back.” Several minutes later, I heard a knocking again, and when I opened the door that time, she returned my eggs to me in the form of three chocolate chip cookies. How cool is that?

.: Police officers. Collectively, they’re a vital section of society that protects us from one another. Individually, they’re all assholes. At least, that’s been my experience.

.: Take today, for instance. In the previous post, I mentioned going to a lecture by Dr. James Watson, a living legend. The venue was free–first come first served. Or, put another way, those who showed up first got seats. My sister and I went, and a classmate of mine said she’d come, though I knew she’d be a little late so I saved a seat for her.

.: Needless to say, after the lecture started they stopped letting people in. A police officer was stationed by the door to enforce this policy. When my classmate arrived, she was turned away by said policy. I still had a seat saved for her, so when she text-messaged me to tell me that they wouldn’t let her in, I got up to go get her.

.: I asked the lady inside the room by the door if they’d let me back in, and she said, “sure, just don’t clang the door on your way out.” After the door shut I saw my friend across the hallway and motioned to her. This is what happened:

Police Officer: I can’t let you in there.

Me: It’s okay, I have two seats saved.

Police Officer: You still can’t go in there.

Me: The lady on the inside said it’d be okay for me to come back in, and I have a seat saved for my friend.

Police Officer: I can’t let any more people in there, that’s fire marshall code.

Me: But I just camed from there, and I have two seats saved. It’s not a problem if there are two empty seats.

Police Officer: Once you stepped outside you’ve lost your chance.

Me: You’re not listening to me, are you?

Police Officer: Blah Blah Blah Black Blah Blah White Blah Blah Zero Blah Blah Tolerance Blah Blah Code Blah Blah Fat Stupid Lonely Power Obsessed Pig Blah.

Me (to classmate): Okay, let’s go.

.: I have yet to meet a Police Officer who has managed to think outside the boundaries of a Zero Tolerance world view. Maybe thinking that way is a requirement for their job–something that makes their life easier–but it sure as hell makes it inconvenient for everybody else.

.: I was powerless in the situation. All he had to do was open the door and ask the lady, and everything would have cleared. But he didn’t, and I’ll be damned if he didn’t do it because making the lives of two younger people miserable brought happiness to his pathetic life as a door guard.

.: What was even more disappointing, though, was going into a back room where they had a video feed. There were several dozen people, but the majority of them were disinterested students. Disinterested students watching the co-discoverer of the structure of deoxyribonucleic acid talk about his life and discovery, the most important advancement in biology of the 20th century! Un-freakin’-believable! And why did these students come? The answer was given by a large lady in the back who told us, “Be sure to sign in with me for extra credit attendance.”

.: Oh, and my brother can’t make it up here this weekend. Thanks a lot, Rita.

.: Bitch.

.: Tonight I’m going to see this guy give a lecture at the near by community college. You might recognize him better as the one sitting.

.: Here’s a question from a Neuroscience practice exam:

4.) Behaviors such as freezing, fleeing, fighting, and sexual behavior are called:
a. motivated behaviors.
b. the “four F’s”.
c. involuntary motor responses.
d. exongenous behaviors.

.: Hehe.