90% True

Posted By Caulimovirus on January 5, 2005

.: I went to the ER again today. My sister came along too. We followed Dad on his 4:00 pm to 1:00 am shift; not much happened. However, there were still some classic quotes to be shared and some other material that will naturally find itself in the bigger story.

.: Again, here’s some sampling:

Chest Pains, Bad Cough
Dad: “Does he smoke?”
Patient’s Wife: “Yes, but this cough wasn’t caused by the smoking; it’s different from his normal cough.”

Car Accident, Run Over
Dad: “What time did this happen?”
Pat.: “Four o’clock.”
Dad: “PM?”
Pat.: “Naw, man, AM.”
Dad: “You got run over by a car, and you decided to not come to the hospital until fourteen hours later?”

Abdominal Pains, Kidney Infection
Dad: “You do realize that if I don’t give you your pelvic exam, I can’t be 100% complete on this diagnosis?”
Patient’s Mother: “We know, we know. She just only feels comfortable with her gynecologist doing it.”
Dad: “Okie dokie, we’ll just put here that “patient declined” pelvic exam. But you have to go see your normal doctor soon.”
***
Me: “She probably didn’t want Dad’s grubby little fingers inside her vagina.”
Sister: “Dad probably didn’t want his little fingers inside her grubby vagina.”
Dad: “Yeah, I didn’t want to do it anyway.”

***

Sister: “You should keep a tally on all the patients who are smokers.”
Me: “I did. Last time it was thirteen out of sixteen.”
Sister: “Thirteen smokers?”
Me: “Yeah, and two of the three were children.”

***

Dad: “Can you believe that? Gets run over by a car and doesn’t come in ’til half the day’s passed. And you know what else? He most likely doesn’t have insurance. It’s gonna cost $20,000 to treat him by the time we’re done, all at the taxpayer’s expense. You think he’s gonna pay the bill? Hell no!”
Sister: “Did you check his grill in his teeth?”
Dad: “The gold teeth?”
Sister: “Yeah, he also had diamonds in there too.”
Dad: “Diamonds?”
Me: “You should knock him out with some sleeping gas and dig a few out; that should pay the bill.”
Dad: “…that’s not a bad idea.”

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